Honestly...

I think I'm smarter, cooler, and funnier than I really am. I love a good pun and Conway Twitty makes me feel uncomfortable...
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Here’s a simple solution. Buy a food coloring marker that’s kinda blackish kinda greenish. Take said food items, for this example I used my bag of bagels.  

Draw little stops on each bagel like so

Now no one will want to eat yo nasty moldy bagels!

Mwahahaha.

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